Today is the day. It has been one whole year since my son Kenny’s passing (March 2, 2014), and it seems as if time stood still. The pain is just as fresh. My heart is just as broken. The tears are just as frequent. And the memories ever present.
I have been trying to write this post for several days now but the right words never seem to come together. I think it’s because I was dishonest about my true feelings. I would love to tell another grieving mother–the pain of grief gets easier or even more bearable with time. I’d love to say the time will come when you won’t miss your child as much. I’d love to say all the things that might make our journey through grief less difficult. But I would not be honest with you, myself, and especially not with God.
As I wrote this post, I discovered something quite wonderful about God–God is not angry with us when we tell Him the truth. What God wants most from us is intimacy and intimacy with God is not possible unless we are honest. Of course, we need to be respectful because God is Holy, but we must be honest. Honesty is the beginning of intimacy with God.
As parents, naturally, we want to protect our children from suffering–but WE CAN’T — WE ARE NOT GOD! All we can do is release them into God’s loving care. That’s what I had to do with my son. And let me say this: “We have to totally “trust” God when we don’t have all the answers. We have to say, “God, I don’t understand, but I trust YOU.” “God, it hurts so much, but I trust YOU.” “God, I don’t know how I will ever get through this, but I trust YOU.” “God, this is the hardest test ever, but I trust YOU.” “God, I would have liked much more time with my child, but nevertheless, I thank YOU for the time we had.” I had to say, “Not my will, Father, but thy will be done!!”
Beloveds, I believe God has a purpose for allowing suffering. I may not know what that reason is, but I know what it is not. It is not that He does not love us–care for us–or desires to hurt or harm us.
Jesus, the Lamb of God was slain for our sins and loved us enough to suffer and die for us. No, we may never know or understand God’s reasons for allowing suffering, but here’s what I DO know about my child’s life. I know Kenny loved God. I know he lived a life that was pleasing to God. I know he was beloved of God. And what I am most certain of, and that keeps me in “perfect peace is — I know and I know that I know — it was well with my Kenny’s soul. Hallelujah!!
Yes, my sorrow continues to roll like sea billows. But beneath all my pain is the”Man of Sorrows — who is well acquainted with grief” and I believe He does ALL THINGS WELL IN HIS TIME!