Posts Tagged sorrow
Today is the day. It has been one whole year since my son Kenny’s passing (March 2, 2014), and it seems as if time stood still. The pain is just as fresh. My heart is just as broken. The tears are just as frequent. And the memories ever present.
I have been trying to write this post for several days now but the right words never seem to come together. I think it’s because I was dishonest about my true feelings. I would love to tell another grieving mother–the pain of grief gets easier or even more bearable with time. I’d love to say the time will come when you won’t miss your child as much. I’d love to say all the things that might make our journey through grief less difficult. But I would not be honest with you, myself, and especially not with God.
As I wrote this post, I discovered something quite wonderful about God–God is not angry with us when we tell Him the truth. What God wants most from us is intimacy and intimacy with God is not possible unless we are honest. Of course, we need to be respectful because God is Holy, but we must be honest. Honesty is the beginning of intimacy with God.
As parents, naturally, we want to protect our children from suffering–but WE CAN’T — WE ARE NOT GOD! All we can do is release them into God’s loving care. That’s what I had to do with my son. And let me say this: “We have to totally “trust” God when we don’t have all the answers. We have to say, “God, I don’t understand, but I trust YOU.” “God, it hurts so much, but I trust YOU.” “God, I don’t know how I will ever get through this, but I trust YOU.” “God, this is the hardest test ever, but I trust YOU.” “God, I would have liked much more time with my child, but nevertheless, I thank YOU for the time we had.” I had to say, “Not my will, Father, but thy will be done!!”
Beloveds, I believe God has a purpose for allowing suffering. I may not know what that reason is, but I know what it is not. It is not that He does not love us–care for us–or desires to hurt or harm us.
Jesus, the Lamb of God was slain for our sins and loved us enough to suffer and die for us. No, we may never know or understand God’s reasons for allowing suffering, but here’s what I DO know about my child’s life. I know Kenny loved God. I know he lived a life that was pleasing to God. I know he was beloved of God. And what I am most certain of, and that keeps me in “perfect peace is — I know and I know that I know — it was well with my Kenny’s soul. Hallelujah!!
Yes, my sorrow continues to roll like sea billows. But beneath all my pain is the”Man of Sorrows — who is well acquainted with grief” and I believe He does ALL THINGS WELL IN HIS TIME!
“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” ~ Ernest Hemingway
This is my first post since the tragic loss of my son (Kenny) who was killed in a motorcycle accident on Sunday, March 2, 2014. On that fateful day; he stopped by my house as had become his custom. But that Sunday, church services ran extremely late and we missed each other. So he returned home and said to his wife, “I stopped by to see my mom, but she was still at church.” Then he said, “it’s such a beautiful day, I think I’ll go out for another ride.” He left and never returned to us.
Some hours later, I received a phone call from his wife saying, “He’s gone.” Those words stopped me in my tracks and to this day, still re-echo in my mind.” My child, my only son, a vital part of me–was gone. How could this be? The reality of this truth shattered me—Instantly, my heart and spirit were irretrievably broken!!
And it was not until I stumbled upon a series of articles by Dr. Ben Witherington, a great Theologian and Bible Scholar who lost his daughter, showed me the great strength I needed for this hour. Dr. Witherington clarified some things about grief and the grieving process for me, and I highly recommend his books for anyone who has lost a child. Clearly, he understands, there is no life event that rivals a parent’s grief at the loss of a child prematurely. He tackles both the practical and theological questions with grace. Here is an excerpt from one of his articles “Good Grief Soundings”:
“Having recently gone through the devastating experience of having our beautiful 32-year-old daughter die, completely unexpectedly . . . I was determined to be open to whatever positive thing there might be to glean from this. I cling by my fingernails to the promise of Romans 8:28 that “God works all things together for good for those who love him….”
I can tell you my friends, that the spirit of this woman of faith, who always had a rhema word for others was completely devastated. I was so lost that day. I cried for hours and days. In fact, the Psalmist paints the picture of my despair when he says, “I am poured out like water . . . My heart has turned to wax; it has melted within me (Psalm 22:14).” When I heard those words, “He’s gone,” I ran from room to room then stood in the middle of the floor and screamed heavenward, “No! No! God, I can’t take this! This is too much!” I screamed from the top of my lungs, “No, not my child Lord. Please not my child!”
This is without a doubt, the hardest post I have ever written and I pray I will ever have to write. Dr. Witherington is stronger than I, to be able to debate Theology in the midst of what I am sure is unspeakable pain. But this post for me is not about my Theology–it is about personal grief and loss. I write this post from the depths of the heart and spirit of a grieving mother who is broken. I am completely changed. Life for me will never be the same. How can it be—I have lost a vital part of me. I am in indescribable and unimaginable emotional pain. And as much as I would like to inspire you today—I must be honest and authentic as I share my truth. I am grieving, but I am trying very hard to move forward and to begin writing regularly again. Please bear with me as I work through my pain. But trust me when I tell you my faith in God has not diminished. It is the very thing that has sustained me and kept me sane. And, I agree with Dr. Witherington when he says, “the beginning of “good grief” starts with the premise of a good God.” He also says, “Christians are the very ones to grieve deeply because they have loved and been loved deeply. For us grieving as those who have hope means grieving knowing that resurrection will reverse Death. It means we grieve knowing that Death will not have the last word about us. Life will.”
Even so, I am still grieving my beloved Kenny’s passing as if it happened yesterday–I desperately miss him every day and I cannot say with certainty when this pain will end. Perhaps that is why I was so deeply moved by the points in Dr. Witherington’s Article, “Good Grief: Soundings, Part Two – Five Things Not to Say to the Grieving.” I found (Point 2) particularly relevant and I pray Dr. Witherington will forgive me for substituting my son’s name in the following:
“People say, “You’ll get over it soon.” “Wrong!! I hope I never get over the loss of my (son). I don’t want to forget (his) love, (his) smile, (his) joys, (his) sorrows, and so many millions of other things that formed the sum total of (his) life. I do not intend to get over it. I intend to get beyond it by the Grace of God, but in no way forgetting what happened to (him) at the end of (his) life in this world. There will always be a (Kenny)-shaped hole in my heart—Period!” (Emphasis added)
BELOVEDS, life happens, and sometimes it hurts. Healing our pain will take as long as it takes–no more nor less. YES, LIFE MOST CERTAINLY WILL BREAK US, BUT REST ASSURED — WE ARE MADE STRONGER AT THE BROKEN PLACES!!!
A PRAYER FROM “THOUGHTS IN SOLITUDE” BY THOMAS MERTON
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does, in fact, please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore, I will trust you always though
I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.